Welcome to the show.

It’s 10:51 pm and I’m alone in Room 101. No adult supervision, yet somehow Ron has control of the thermostat in Room 103. The heat is on and all is well. I’m not in my usual spot as we are sleeping with the nuns tonight in single suites. Sounds much hotter than it is actually. Normally, this retreat is with a roommate and I sit up late into the morning and write, disturbing my roommate and keeping them up with my frequent trips to pee and ponder and pontificate on the nights events. Tonight I’m solo. Han Solo.

So what to do? I guess I’ll recount the day so far as I can see.

Who’s leading this retreat? Some guy Pony recommended. Oh jeez. Oh wait I know this guy?! I think I pulled him off the freeway from Alfred’s burning truck two years ago! No seriously! He might not be here if it wasn’t for me. Come to think of it, If things don’t go well, I might catch the heat instead of Pony. Ridiculous.

GGG Gregg reminds us of how he got here and why he stayed. The friendship we forged in fire from tears and laughter. The friends we have lost along the way. OB, Jersey Jack, Graham, Bob Burns, Nick Anderson, Brother Schmoul, Alvaro Enrique Rivas Bernal. Too many to name them all unfortunately. I am thinking of my friend Al, who brought me here on my first retreat. Paid my way and insisted. Tricked me really into becoming a Matt Talbot Man. This morning Facebook reminded me of a memory on this day. Ten years ago. Al tagged me and said simply, “GREAT”

I don’t remember why he stated this so boldly ten years ago. Just GREAT. I’m sure it was. Great he was.

Dinner at 5 in the dining room. It’s 11:40 pm now and I think All Day Paul just made it up there. Seriously, he was trudging up the climb to dinner after surviving on Reese’s and donuts and coffee alone for nearly an hour. Or maybe that was me. Ron asks him how long it would take him to walk up to the cafeteria, all day? Ron laughs at his own joke. Pretty solid really.

6:30 pm

Gregg reminds us that keys are $3000 each and JB can’t leave until all the keys are turned in. Oh, and monitor lizards, snakes and scorpions and possibly Gila monsters are lurking so keep your doors closed people and do not try to pet them! And soiled linens down the hall and watch your language for fucks sake! There’s quilters out there! And did I mention the lizards??

Monte starts us off with old school AA stuff. No, not cigarettes and coffee in a confined space. With a moment of silence and the serenity prayer. The energy in the room shifts. Something about Monte rubs off on us all almost immediately as we intuitively take his tone in the prayer. It was soft spoken yet perfectly clear. I can't recall that ever happening before. It was said with intention but with a kind of thoughtfulness.

Little did I know he had dozens of bears trapped in a box just feet away from us. But I digress. That comes up a bit later in our program. First some story telling.

A submarine man. A drunken submarine man and then a sober submarine man. It sounds like the beginning of a joke. I don’t think I could be a submarine man. Drunk or sober honestly. He tells us what he’s going to tell us tomorrow. Sort of.

We are going to learn and discuss emotional sobriety. Should be a short meeting with this group. Yes, that ever elusive thing that people talk about occasionally in meetings but is rarely seen in the wild. Kind of like the lizards. We may discuss Gratitude as well. Maybe even look at self pity (if applicable). Wait, Self pity? You don’t say?

Now we have something I can work with.

Monte mentions the columns and I feel a fourth step coming on. Or maybe it’s the flu? He also mentions Vegas and I think we need to go. Like now. TO THE SPHERE!  TAKE ME TO THE SPHERE IMMEDIATELY! By train, plane or automobile. No stops.

Bono said it best. I want to run…I want to hide. I wanna tear down the walls that hold me inside.

That’s U2 by the way.

Some things for us to consider other than what to do in Vegas?

Acceptance is a form of surrender.
Why do I do what I do?
Who am I pissed at?
What do THEY do?
Why does THAT bother me?
What was MY part in it?
What am I afraid of?

Hmmm. Sounds like columns are in my future for sure. Is it too late to book that flight to Vegas? A cheap, nice hotel perhaps? That’s where Nick is staying.

Sidenote: Later, Nick comes in our room while we are telling war stories of crashed cars and hostage situations/ stabbings and extreme drug use and he has white powder all over his face.

Art looks at him and says completely deadpan, “You doing cocaine again?”

Nick: “Naw just powdered donuts.” Then laughs maniacally and leaves.  

This actually checks out. David came early and left enough junk food to last at least until our next meal. Amazing.

A large box is opened and I am given a gift. What you ask? Yup you guessed right. A stuffed animal. A teddy bear to be more precise. Bears of all colors. Well, mostly shades of beige. Now, try and picture 28 men having teddy bears thrown at them. Everyone receives their own. We are going to get in touch with our feeling self. My inner bear. Self love. Learn to love myself with the help of my bear. I need to provide my own fuel. I am the best thing that ever happened to me.

Monte says if this is too much we are free to leave at any time.

Gregg informs us that there will be NO refunds.

What to do now? I guess name my bear? Teddy? Theo?? Jimmy??? Hmm. Maybe Al? Maybe I’ll sleep on it. Holding the bear against my cheek, I laugh a little. Monte or my bear doesn’t know how much I love this. My dog Curry sleeps curled up alongside me every night and it’s heavenly. This is right up my alley but I try not to let on how much I enjoy it.

Monte opens up for some group discussion and I love what Paul and Del and Rob and Alfred share. I don’t remember what they said, but damn, it was good! Monte asked to hear from somebody other than his buddy Del. I’m pretty sure Monte just made Del's list for tomorrow.

God‘s telling me to be something. Am I afraid to be something new?

The sharing continues. Scott still has his teddy bear. No, not the one that he just got from Monte. He’s got his teddy bear from when he was a kid. Of course he does. Still healing that young boy inside. Always healing and growing. Learning to walk in gratitude. Thomas shares his fears. I’m all alone and no one cares. Self deprecate. My specialty. Alex gets real. Speaking violently to myself. Brilliant. He mentions Bill W at the Mayflower Hotel bar on the phone trying to talk with another alcoholic. Such a tenuous thread we all hang from. I mentioned the scene earlier from a play I saw early in sobriety during the 95 international convention. It struck me how lucky I am to be here with all these men. It so easily could not have happened. All of this. Could’ve vanished forever. What would have become of us?

Monte says the antidote for addiction is connection. Our interconnectedness. It literally saves us. He says we need to work on our self-esteem. The old tape that says there’s something wrong with me. I’m not enough. Pre-Programmed or installed at a young age. I’m all alone. I feel different. What do I wanna make peace with? He says Should is the most dangerous word. I should all over myself. Instead of should/ shift to I could. He says it’s an honor to be here. It really is, isn’t it?

Monte also got his mom kicked out of the Navy, so I guess nobody’s perfect.

The meeting for tonight ends with my favorite Billy standing next to me, holding my hand for the Lords Prayer. Afterward he hugs me and states, “I’m gonna like this guy.”

Me too Billy. Me too. It’s time for my buddy the bear and me to go to bed. Just the two of us. Snuggle time. More to uncover tomorrow. Where will we go? Probably inward. To find where the Power that lies within us ALL resides. Maybe to learn how to tap into that well. I remember reading something once that our higher power is like a vast well of never ending water, deep and plentiful, nourishing. All we need to do is bring the buckets. And bring willingness. And maybe a teddy bear.

Good night from the Vina.

Flying solo in Room 101 for the very first time.

Tomorrow we fly together.

DAY TWO PART TWO

Day two starts with a meal followed by a drum solo. I arrive to breakfast a few minutes late and they're out of hash browns? Something more to write about. I didn’t know music was going to feature prominently in my day two recovery, but boy does it. The drum solo is provided by my amazing friend Scott, aka SPT, aka Spiritual Ponytail. Maybe the most wonderful man I know. He blesses us with a smudge of sage. He faces the rising sun and has us all face the sunlight ourselves as he gives thanks to all living creatures that carry the message to The Creator. He sings and plays his drum. His voice cracks with emotion. It is true beauty. Aho mitakye oyasin!

We move inside for our morning session. We start with I believe will be some silent meditation. Wonderful… ok Monte is going to guide us in a meditation. Even better. Ok, Bob Seger is going to guide us? Suddenly, a concert starts. I keep my eyes closed. I’m not totally sure what’s happening but I go with it.

Beautiful loser. You just don’t need it all.

Johnny Cash sings Nine Inch Nails? Hurt??

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

Some gems come from these songs played and what is heard and interpreted. Here’s what I glean.

Kevin says that his connection to the darkness is his connection to the eternal.

Nick Shares a story of a road trip with his mom wearing out Bob Segar's greatest hits. The tears flow from the joy of the memory.

Monte says that we enter as our own worst enemy. May we leave tomorrow as our own best friend. We cannot vanquish the dark by just simply turning the light on once. We need to continue to shine our light in dark places.

All Day Paul. Always light and kind and beautiful shares his darkness. His losses. His sorrows. Struggling to find his light. This resonates deeper than he could possibly know with me.

Trevor simply states, “I don’t like Bob Seger. Fuck Bob Seger.” Fears of what others think of us. Dance, like no one‘s watching Trevor.

Alex says “I never liked Johnny Cash.“ me neither actually. According to Nick, June or Johnny Cash never make eye contact. Hey Johnny! The camera is over here! Focus!

I’ll leave a light on for you. That’s what we do in AA the meeting places/the people/the steps/the place to come back to.

We come back to the Vina to heal. Healing is the application of love to the parts inside that hurt.

More music. Next up, Jelly Roll.

“I’m not OK but it’s all gonna be alright.” Very simple very easy.

Pablo Cruz sings “It’s all right, once you get past the pain. Just keep your heart open and love will find a way.”

During a break, Kevin and I are sitting next to each other with teddy bears on our laps. I ask Ron where his teddy bear is. He says it’s in his car. RON says he lost his inner bear when he went through the windshield for the second time. That’ll do it. Maybe it’s something to work on.

I say something about the song by Pearl Jam called, Alive. Eddie Vedder talks about it as the first song he wrote. It’s about a young man at age 13 that learns that the father that he thought was his father wasn’t actually his father and that his ACTUAL father just died and he would never know him. The song's chorus is, “I’m still alive. I’m still alive. I’m still alive.” His father is gone, but he has to deal with the pain himself. He wishes he was not alive. He calls it his curse. The song becomes one of their first hits and through singing it in crowded arenas with the crowd singing back at the top of their lungs, “I’m still alive. I’m still alive.” With joy to be alive, they changed the meaning of the song for Eddie. They lifted the curse. The power of music and the power of people to heal one another.

We split into small groups of six. I’m wandering aimlessly. I’ve been given no number. I don’t know what to do. SPT sends me a lifeline. Come sit with us. We’re given a Talking Stone and a directive. Do you have a secret? You don’t have to tell it today, but it would be helpful if you talked about it before the weekend was through with someone.

I think about what to share myself. What secrets do I have? Is there anything lurking that I need to get rid of? The overwhelming feeling that I have to discuss is the darkness that I’ve been feeling sometimes. It’s not something I generally talk about. I talk about it here. With these men. I have never been prone to depression or darkness but here we are. Discussing my dark side. Recognizing and uncovering and speaking brings light. I mention my gratitude for all that I have today and all that has so freely been given to me. My health. My friends. My family. My wife. My son. My dogs. My teddy bear. My ducks? Mallards technically but that's another secret for another time.

What I realize as I write is that there is beauty and hope even when I am feeling  dark. Led Zep says, if the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. If mountains crumbled to the sea, there would still be you and me.

I don’t need to put conditions on anyone including myself. I just need to love myself. I need to feed myself with the things that fill me up. Let my light shine. Bright like a diamond.

We’re back in groups now. Monte tells the story of the old Chinese farmer and that could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. He remembers it’s one of my favorites. Amazing. Some of my worst days turn into my best gifts. My sobriety date. Fatherhood/adoption it would not have happened without the struggles proceeding Christmas 2006 when my son was born.

Thank God for unanswered prayers.

Lunchtime with All Day and David and RON and RJ and Steve. All Day asks out of the blue, “You ever been to prison? Take what you want and keep what you take.” Classic.

Picture time in the rotunda after a brief snooze. My hair is a mess, but I doll myself and my teddy bear up to look our best. This picture is gonna stick around for a while and I wanna make sure we represent. Thank God for RJ or we’d all be sitting there still waiting for that camera to go off.

Next afternoon session starts with Audioslave. Chris Cornell wailing, “You gave me life now show me how to live.” If only it were that simple, Chris would still be here. One of my all-time favorite voices.

When you think the rest of your family is better off without you, how deep of a hole is that?

His version of Thank you by Led Zeppelin is the last song I play for my friend Paul Nalty as he lay dying of cancer at Sharp hospital many years ago. I played it and sang to him. I held his hand.

More notes.

Page 133  we are sure, God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. It also speaks of health. Mental health. Seeking help. All good things that have helped me along the way. More and more gems. I am just becoming a dictation machine. But that’s OK. The beauty of the prayer of Saint Francis postcard and its origin story is fascinating.

You can’t be hateful if your heart is open.

Turn the light on. More than once. Sometimes it takes repeated cycles.

It’s better to understand than to be understood.

What the fuck do you want? And how can I help you? Are the same question.

What do we make peace with our darkness, we help others see and heal their own.

Sidenote; Nick now has a bear on his head.

Page 63 of AA comes to age. Bill W's spiritual experience faded.

Fear of abandonment is codependence. Screw you I don’t need you is counter dependence. Depending on the person you can switch back-and-forth.

Relationships thrive on hard conversations.

Find a quiet place in the bright sunshine.

The sun ain’t moving. I’m rotating towards it. I’m moving away from it. It’s one or the other. Just like my relationships. No more hallway sex.

We are self healing organisms. The way to heal is to grieve. If you don’t grieve, you’re stuck in resentment. Re-feel.

Feel/heal/deal

How to defrost a frozen heart? Breathe in blue healing light. Breathe out through your heart.

The meeting adjourns and Mark W approaches me and hugs me and shares his kindness with me and about me. Truly the way to this guys damaged but still beating heart. Thank you Mark. Truly.

Nap time. Then more food.

I’m walking to dinner right now and I’m struck by the thought of how when I’m out of my comfort zone and doing things that I normally wouldn’t do how much growth happens. I have to get out of my normal piece of pie and get into that spot where I’m stretching and growing and doing scary stuff. Even stuff that I don’t think is beneficial or right or what I need I need to try and stretch and do things differently.

After dinner waiting for the meeting to start. Ron starts doing Ron stuff again. A new tradition has been born. The Twenty Minute Trevor Time Speaker Meeting. Ask someone new to share their story.

Rosie O'Grady’s finest Street Fighter Rob tells his story. Amazing. More connections made. His mom is on his shoulder for sure.

The meeting is amazing and long as always, though I’m put out of my misery immediately as I happen to sit next to JB, our leader. How much he’s been through and how much I love this man to my right cannot be overstated. Johnny B. I’m so glad you made it. Thank you for your years of service. Thank you for being my friend. Thanks for going clockwise and letting me share first so I didn’t have wait for hours thinking what to say. Poor Gregg.

Everyone comes with beauty and wonderful shares of gratitude for all the men and our men who served, Johnny B and for what's his face and of course, retreat leader Monte Bador. I think he said that’s his last name…

Del reminds me that the power of the group can be the courage someone else sharing their sorrow or joy reminds me of mine and allows me to heal or feel without saying a word. This happens for me over and over as we go around the circle.

After the Lord’s Prayer a quick call to my half side to check in and all is right in the world. I sit down and talk to my Team Stupid brother Art. We connect on so many levels and I feel so blessed to share my secret with him and tell him where I’m at. I’ll be keeping my head up from now on. From here up bro. We sit and talk and worry about our little drummer boy, Scott. He’s not feeling well and I’m worried about him. Sending healing thoughts to the spirit helpers tonight for you my friend.

Thank you Matt Talbot men. Thank you Gregg. For seeing the light in me over 21 years ago and laughing with me. For encouraging me to write and share. He’s the one to blame for this. Thank you Monte. Thank you all who I have had the chance to grow and stretch outside myself and ask myself tough questions.

What do I think is possible?
What do I think I deserve?

Tonight, I could deserve all great things. Tonight, I could be rich beyond measure. Tomorrow, I could leave with my head held high. My wife always tells me to turn the high beams on. Yet I refuse.

Tonight, my high beams are on.

I could leave the enemy at the gate and leave with my best friend Doug.

I could.

And my Teddy bear, Buddy. Don’t judge us.

Doug Morgano
Matt Talbot 110
Room 101

4/5/25